Some of the best art, the best music, the best theatre, happens to come from really dark places. The person who springs to mind for me on the topic of ‘an artist’s struggle’ is Amy Winehouse. I’ve always been fascinated by her and her music, dressing up as her at a fancy dress party when I can’t have been much older than 8. My mum attempted to backcomb my hair and using face paint gave me an arm of tattoos and huge eyeliner flicks. 8 year old Megan of course wasn’t aware of her personal struggles, naively singing along to Rehab in my bedroom when the only drug I knew about was ‘Calpol’. She was an artist who put her raw and real self into everything she wrote. Her lyrics resonate so truthfully because they actually came from a place of truth rather than churned out, generic lyrics about fucking bitches and making dollar (shade)

‘I cried for you on the kitchen floor’ – is so simple yet so damn heart breaking.

It’s become more apparent to me as I’ve got older how so many creative people often struggle mentally. It poses the question of whether a person’s creativity contributes to their mental health issues, because they’re allowing themselves to be so vulnerable and honest? Or whether a person uses creativity as an outlet because of their mental health? Obviously they don’t always link – you don’t have to have to have poor mental health to be creative nor does everyone with poor mental health want to write a song about it. I just think the two coincide more than we expect.

With my personal struggles with anxiety and depression, I also used to carry with me a massive sense of self-loathing. Why am I like this? Why do I have to feel like this? *woe is me*. But as I’ve come to terms with the beautiful shit tip that is my brain, I’ve come to accept that although the shitty times are shitty, they’re so important, for me and for my creativity. My vulnerability for example has allowed me to develop a greater sense of empathy. I can’t help but want get into the head of other’s and understand their thoughts and feelings, whether that be my friends or my family or the stranger sat next to me on the train. I’d like to think I’m good at judging other people’s emotions because I’ve spent so many years battling with my own. And this subsequently really helps me creatively.

You can also look at it from another perspective, how having a creative output can be so beneficial for getting that god damn brain back in action. I went through good six or so months where I just didn’t have any creative drive, frankly I didn’t really have much drive full stop. I didn’t want to play, I didn’t want to write, I didn’t want to act; it all just seemed futile. These being the things that bring me the most joy meant that my mood then spiraled down even further. It’s a nasty cycle and I’m sure it’s one that most creatives have experienced at some point. It’s a cycle that’s bloody difficult to get out of but I’ve learnt it’s all about baby steps. It’s about not setting your expectations too high, being gentle with yourself and your mind – which is much harder than you might expect. Learning a chorus of a song was a much more reasonable goal than picking my uke up after months and writing an absolute bop.

I’m so grateful to be in a place where more days than not I have the motivation to do the creative things that I love, that I’m not feeling like I have to force myself. Because by showing myself kindness and by easing back into it gently I began to have the realisation of ‘ohhhh.. this is what I’ve been missing.’ which in turn gave me more motivation to continue doing those things. (I’m sure it’s something to do with the release of happy hormones but alas A Level Psychology was many moons ago). Obviously I still have days where I struggle, when getting the motivation to get out of bed takes priority over finding the motivation to write a song. It’s a continuous up and down of emotions, I’m never going to be magically fixed and this is something I’ve had to learn to accept – I’m getting there.

So to anyone this subject might resonate with, don’t underestimate how important it is to be kind to yourself and your mind. And as 8 year old Megan appropriately ‘tattooed’ on her arm (see above) – Can’t stop, won’t stop.